Flash Websites Still Suck

So…  I’m mind­ing my own busi­ness, tool­ing around the Inter­tubes like I do so often, and what should hap­pen but I stum­ble across a sucky web­site.  I don’t know if it’s just me, or if every­body does but I gen­uinely can’t fig­ure out why there are so many of them.  It seems like would be site own­ers like bells and whis­tles more than they like their cus­tomers to actu­ally be able to fig­ure out what it is they do.

I broke some­thing attempt­ing this view

I give you GBL Archi­tects.  The image sim­ply can­not do it jus­tice.  I cap­tured a moment in time with that screen­shot.  What’s prob­a­bly the fun­ni­est thing about this whole fiasco is, I waited for over ten min­utes for it to load.  Mind you, I have one of the fastest res­i­den­tial Inter­net con­nec­tions known to man, but I still waited.  Not kidding.

As if the weird page load issue weren’t bad enough, the com­pany logo loads then breaks apart into a mil­lion lit­tle pieces and the pieces start bounc­ing around the screen.  Now what?  As it turned out, I was wait­ing for the page to fin­ish load­ing (mainly because Fire­fox told me I should), but the entire time I should have been mou­s­ing over the lit­tle bro­ken pieces of the logo for con­tent.  This page is so huge, it ran a dual core Intel proces­sor at 90% of CPU load, and I’m not exaggerating.

I was also wait­ing for that ridicu­lous back­ground image to flip over (it changes when you refresh the page, but none of them look quite nat­ural).  Have you ever walked up to a build­ing in your entire life to see what it looked like, then faced away from it and tilted your head back­ward to get a bet­ter look?  Nei­ther have I.  The rea­son I never have is, I’m not retarded and all of my body parts work the way they were intended.  What, then, is the rea­son for this image?  The only one I can come up with is, it was taken from a cell phone by a frat boy who woke up after a hard night of drink­ing and wanted to record his first moments of con­scious­ness.  That would also explain the rest of the site, so we’ll run with it.

Let’s see if we can iso­late the design phi­los­o­phy.  Make it HUGE, make it con­fus­ing and make it impos­si­ble to nav­i­gate. Brilliant!

I’m going on record as say­ing that the guy who designed this needs to be strapped to a chair and beaten with a dead fer­ret by a drunk clown until he promises on pain of death never to do it again.  It just plain sucks.  If any­one in the world asks who designed this in the inter­est of hir­ing him, I’ll per­son­ally hunt that per­son down, dead fer­ret and duct tape in hand (and I’ll find a clown).

Seri­ously, what on earth would pos­sess any­one to do this to his own cus­tomers?  There is noth­ing cool about mak­ing things impos­si­ble to find.  Hell, half of the lit­tle bits of the logo don’t click, and the ones that do you have to chase down.  I’ve about had enough of this crap.  Stop design­ing all flash sites, you dolts!  It’s not cool any­more.  It’s like disco, the IROC-Z and the mul­let.  Knock it off!

The absolute worst part of it all…  SOMEBODY PAID THIS IDIOT!

I’m done now…  I need to meditate…

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