I’m Speechless. Seriously…

I am at a total loss for words to describe this site. It’s so bad I have to com­pose myself just to bash it. Firstly, this is fair warn­ing: If you are epilep­tic or think you may become so, do not click on the link. I’m not kid­ding. If you are preg­nant or nurs­ing, may become preg­nant, want to avoid steril­ity or value your eye­sight, don’t click on the link. If you have ever appre­ci­ated art or design at all in your life, don’t click on the link. You may just trip a suck fuse (like Cartman’s funny fuse) and never again appre­ci­ate suck for what it is. The bar has been raised (or low­ered, depend­ing on your perspective).

(ten minute pause for thought collection).

What hap­pens when you give mon­keys tools that are sharp or dan­ger­ous? They usu­ally hurt or kill them­selves. The web is no excep­tion, and peo­ple (espe­cially aspir­ing artists) are really just mon­keys with­out tails and slightly enhanced brain capac­ity. So, we give peo­ple things like yel­low, pink, green… We allow them to make those col­ors flu­o­resce, then move, then cause us to vomit. Why, inter­nets? Why did you allow this to happen?

Thank god I caught it on the blue cycle

The site is called Paper Rad, and sweet holy lord, there is noth­ing OK about it. For my fre­quent read­ers, you may remem­ber Yvette’s, the dress shop with no sense of style? This site makes the Yvette’s expe­ri­ence a pleas­ant stroll through an artis­tic won­der­land. The col­ors are puke induc­ing, the move­ment nearly made me pass out, and the over­all expe­ri­ence was what I would imag­ine the first time smok­ing crack and hav­ing your heart explode must be like.

The only thing I can think of to explain this site is that it’s either a site belong­ing to a child, or an adult who hates peo­ple. I couldn’t stay on the site long enough to find out. I clicked one link that was a reprieve from the hell­ish onslaught of color, and it was a sucky flash movie that made no sense. I stopped. I sug­gested that my wife look at it (but gave her no warn­ing). She now hates me. This site may result in divorce. It is seri­ously that bad.

This site is what would hap­pen if Bart Simp­son and Stewie tag teamed the Care Bears and My Lit­tle Pony while trip­ping on bad acid to Stan­ley Kubrick movies in Q-Bert land. My eyes still hurt, and no, not the nor­mal “oh, it’s ugly, my eyes hurt” stuff either. My eyes seri­ously hurt. Yours will to if you didn’t heed the warning.

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