Just When I Thought It Was Safe…

I gen­uinely thought I’d have to really dig to beat a cou­ple of the sites I’ve reviewed so far. Boy, was I wrong. A Twit­ter user, Dan Kell­ner (@sofaemployed) whom I now fol­low sent this link. Upon view­ing it, I was stunned. It’s so bad, I don’t even know where to start. Put on your review hats (and hip waders). This is going to get messy and may involve a chainsaw.

You’d fig­ure that peo­ple in an artis­tic pro­fes­sions, or folks that work around what should be beauty all day would have a bet­ter eye for detail. Not these clowns. They’re on their own pro­gram. The site is for a dress shop, you know, where women go to buy expen­sive hunks of shiny (mostly) plas­tic that they’ll wear once? The name of the shop is Yvette’s Bridal, For­mal and Tuxedo, and is the web pres­ence of the shriek mark’s biggest fan (the shriek mark, for those who are not aware, is com­monly known as the excla­ma­tion point). This page is loaded with shrieks, and as such would make any col­lege level Eng­lish pro­fes­sor cringe.

What in Hell was going on here, seriously?

I have no words of encour­age­ment, no pos­i­tive com­ments, no “at least they didn’t do X’s” at all for this site. When you visit the link (if you haven’t already) make sure to turn your speak­ers WAY up. After all, we all enjoy a good bag­pipe tune when we’re shop­ping for our wed­ding clothes, right?

The look: If you can’t see why I think it looks like some­thing that hap­pened after a night of heavy drink­ing and a visit to Taco Bell (that’s a vomit ref­er­ence, folks), there is no hope for you, you’re fired, clean out your desk. The back­ground makes use of every color under the sun, and god for­bid you need to put text on it. Oh, wait, there is text on it. No, seri­ously… it’s there. What do you mean “where?”, it’s under the pic­tures. Wait, did I just say “under the pic­tures?” Yes, I did. I’m almost ashamed that I found it. What it means to admit that I did is that I spent too much time looking.

The links: Well, if you can fig­ure out what you want to do, good luck find­ing a way to do it. The links are all dif­fer­ent col­ors and usu­ally lead you to places that have noth­ing to do with dresses (I saw a lawyer, a sign guy, some­thing that looked like a car wash party but with no water, etc). I man­aged to click on one link that led me to the “entrance” and was even more appalled. There was this weird ghost head mov­ing across the screen and just when I thought it was safe, it changed into a funky box. The entire time, I was accosted by prob­a­bly the most inap­pro­pri­ate clas­si­cal tune ever. I love Vivaldi, and the Four Sea­sons is a mas­ter­piece. Here though, Win­ter Alle­gro, with that shrill vio­lin cen­tric open­ing and the ghost head, it sounds like a hor­ror film (think the movie Psycho ).

Some­one, and I know not who, con­vinced the owner of this site to put music on every page. I found the bag­pipe con­trol, but not the rest. Where is it? It’s like a puz­zle game with the sin­gle goal of hav­ing the player com­mit sui­cide from frus­tra­tion. Thanks, Mil­ton and Bradley. I love plung­ing into that abyss…

This site is so chaotic it makes me won­der if the site owner cleans out her car. You’ve seen those cars, and we all have a friend who dri­ves one, that has a back seat and floor lit­er­ally cov­ered with fast food wrap­pers and bev­er­age con­tain­ers (usu­ally Red Bull), tax returns and stale french fries. They always apol­o­gize when you get in and never fix it. This site is that back seat. It is the sin­gle worst site I have ever laid eyes on. If you agree, feel free to com­ment. If you dis­agree, feel free to com­ment. Either way, I’m right and this site is THE suck.

This site not only takes the cake, it takes the can­dles and the fat kid that’s pok­ing it to lick the frost­ing off his fin­gers. Wait, maybe it’s a wed­ding cake… Either way, I have no appetite after hav­ing looked at this.

I’m out.

Cheers!

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